hi anon~ sorry i'm late but here's some crit for you~
- one thing that stood out to me right away was that there are inconsistent tenses in your fics. i think it's great that you use present tense and past tense to differentiate things that happened years ago, but within each of your "sections" you still have some flip-flopping tenses. a beta would sort this out np tho so it's not a huge concern
- personally i really like your short sections of paragraph!! really effective writing style to get across lots of time passing in few words. i also like how you start right in the middle of the action before going back to the past for backstory!
- glancing through the links you posted, i think i can tell which pieces you put a little more time in compared to others: e.g. more time (imo~): http://exomeme.dreamwidth.org/21446.html?thread=90035398#cmt90035398 and less time: http://exomeme.dreamwidth.org/21186.html?thread=88449730#cmt88449730 the ones you spend more time flow more easily and seem to have more direction. they're also more descriptive, setting-wise, and more atmospheric. a lot of your pieces have dark themes which i think benefit a lot from descriptions/mood, so keep that up!
- in all honesty i think your work is not too bad, maybe a little sloppy/awkward sometimes but i think it's just because they're not looked over? sometimes the structure of your sentences seems a little weird, like you're trying to get across a lot of info in just one line. you should be a little more aware of how you're using punctuation -- you overuse commas a bit lol, and while for some pieces i feel like you did it to get across emotional urgency, be careful! don't go overboard. also, sometimes you use epithets (e.g. the younger, the smaller man) which i understand for that piece where d.o was nameless, but is not good in other situations.
e.g. the suit and all gadgets had been personally made by the unexpectedly handy elder and given to him a week earlier with a big grin stretched onto his face, which only made it harder for kyungsoo to say no and run away as fast as he could. (which he tried to do before he was caught by the much stronger and dragged off to his training.)
can be tightened up to (just my suggestions, of course you don't need to write like this):
The suit and all the gadgets had been personally made by his grandfather himself, who was surprisingly handy. He'd given them to Kyungsoo a week earlier, a big grin stretched across his face. His happiness made it difficult for Kyungsoo to say no, when all he wanted to do was run away as fast as he could. (He'd fail anyway. He tried running once, but had gotten caught with strong hands, dragged home, forced back into training.)
- when you have a lot of dialogue like from this piece http://exomeme.dreamwidth.org/22755.html?thread=95733987#cmt95733987, i feel like a lot of description behind each line of dialogue bogs down the readability of it. You skip some information too, which might help improve flow.
e.g. the fourth part of this fic:
chanyeol doesn’t gather enough courage to talk to kyungsoo again until three perfect full moons later, his earlier tries only ending up in his tongue tying and stomach twirling. [need a transition here!!] “oh hey, didn’t see you there.” chanyeol almost sings, not caring about how obviously he had been observing kyungsoo just a few minutes earlier. [awkward phrasing] “hello to you too, chanyeol.” kyungsoo muses and makes sure to keep a safe distance between the two. “so you know.. i just wanted to apologize for.. you know..” the slytherin looks up at him with owlish eyes, head tilted to the side not even caring to hide his clearly amused smile. [epithet, can cut up sentence into two] “don’t worry about it, okay?” he reaches up a hand to pat chanyeol’s shoulder but quickly pulls it back down after realizing how big the difference between their heights are. “it could’ve happened to anyone.” [great actually!! nothing to change]
can be slimmed down a lot (again these are just suggestions):
Chanyeol doesn't gather enough courage to talk to Kyungsoo again for months. Any previous attempts had been doomed by nerves, causing his tongue to tie and stomach to twirl before he got any words out. It takes him three full months to finally try again properly. He follows Kyungsoo down the hallway after class and hurries up behind him, purposely jostling into Kyungsoo's shoulder as he walks past. "Oh, hey," Chanyeol says brightly, almost singing from his eagerness. "Didn't see you there." "Hello to you too, Chanyeol," Kyungsoo says. He's keeping a safe distance between the two of them. "So... I just wanted to apologize for... you know," Chanyeol says. Kyungsoo looks up at him with owlish eyes. His head tilts, and he smiles, clearly amused. "Don't worry about it, okay?" He reaches up a hand to etc etc etc
- also i find that your pieces that focus on one person only (e.g. your d.o centric darker fics, or your chanyeol letter fic), there is very little in the fic that gives me a sense of characterization. if you didn't use the names of the members i would have difficulty realizing who i was reading about. whereas with your stories involving more members, you add characterization, e.g. chanyeol's eagerness in the section above, or tao's look being more confident than his voice in this fic http://exomeme.dreamwidth.org/23332.html?thread=100451108#cmt100451108. this is not necessarily a BAD thing if it's what you're going for in your POV-centric pieces, but i thought i'd mention it anyway
- about your friends fic! same stuff i already mentioned: tighten up/streamline your sentences, be careful of your punctuation and tenses, don't try to cram everything in at once. you get across a lot of STUFF, if you know what i mean, so please take your time exploring that stuff! make it more meaty like your moody pieces haha
hope this helps a little anon! take everything with a grain of salt please, it's just me and my little ol' opinions :*** gj for you though~ keep on writing!
no subject
- one thing that stood out to me right away was that there are inconsistent tenses in your fics. i think it's great that you use present tense and past tense to differentiate things that happened years ago, but within each of your "sections" you still have some flip-flopping tenses. a beta would sort this out np tho so it's not a huge concern
- personally i really like your short sections of paragraph!! really effective writing style to get across lots of time passing in few words. i also like how you start right in the middle of the action before going back to the past for backstory!
- glancing through the links you posted, i think i can tell which pieces you put a little more time in compared to others:
e.g. more time (imo~): http://exomeme.dreamwidth.org/21446.html?thread=90035398#cmt90035398 and less time: http://exomeme.dreamwidth.org/21186.html?thread=88449730#cmt88449730
the ones you spend more time flow more easily and seem to have more direction. they're also more descriptive, setting-wise, and more atmospheric. a lot of your pieces have dark themes which i think benefit a lot from descriptions/mood, so keep that up!
- in all honesty i think your work is not too bad, maybe a little sloppy/awkward sometimes but i think it's just because they're not looked over? sometimes the structure of your sentences seems a little weird, like you're trying to get across a lot of info in just one line. you should be a little more aware of how you're using punctuation -- you overuse commas a bit lol, and while for some pieces i feel like you did it to get across emotional urgency, be careful! don't go overboard. also, sometimes you use epithets (e.g. the younger, the smaller man) which i understand for that piece where d.o was nameless, but is not good in other situations.
e.g. the suit and all gadgets had been personally made by the unexpectedly handy elder and given to him a week earlier with a big grin stretched onto his face, which only made it harder for kyungsoo to say no and run away as fast as he could. (which he tried to do before he was caught by the much stronger and dragged off to his training.)
can be tightened up to (just my suggestions, of course you don't need to write like this):
The suit and all the gadgets had been personally made by his grandfather himself, who was surprisingly handy. He'd given them to Kyungsoo a week earlier, a big grin stretched across his face. His happiness made it difficult for Kyungsoo to say no, when all he wanted to do was run away as fast as he could. (He'd fail anyway. He tried running once, but had gotten caught with strong hands, dragged home, forced back into training.)
- when you have a lot of dialogue like from this piece http://exomeme.dreamwidth.org/22755.html?thread=95733987#cmt95733987, i feel like a lot of description behind each line of dialogue bogs down the readability of it. You skip some information too, which might help improve flow.
e.g. the fourth part of this fic:
chanyeol doesn’t gather enough courage to talk to kyungsoo again until three perfect full moons later, his earlier tries only ending up in his tongue tying and stomach twirling. [need a transition here!!]
“oh hey, didn’t see you there.” chanyeol almost sings, not caring about how obviously he had been observing kyungsoo just a few minutes earlier. [awkward phrasing]
“hello to you too, chanyeol.” kyungsoo muses and makes sure to keep a safe distance between the two.
“so you know.. i just wanted to apologize for.. you know..” the slytherin looks up at him with owlish eyes, head tilted to the side not even caring to hide his clearly amused smile. [epithet, can cut up sentence into two]
“don’t worry about it, okay?” he reaches up a hand to pat chanyeol’s shoulder but quickly pulls it back down after realizing how big the difference between their heights are. “it could’ve happened to anyone.” [great actually!! nothing to change]
can be slimmed down a lot (again these are just suggestions):
Chanyeol doesn't gather enough courage to talk to Kyungsoo again for months. Any previous attempts had been doomed by nerves, causing his tongue to tie and stomach to twirl before he got any words out. It takes him three full months to finally try again properly. He follows Kyungsoo down the hallway after class and hurries up behind him, purposely jostling into Kyungsoo's shoulder as he walks past.
"Oh, hey," Chanyeol says brightly, almost singing from his eagerness. "Didn't see you there."
"Hello to you too, Chanyeol," Kyungsoo says. He's keeping a safe distance between the two of them.
"So... I just wanted to apologize for... you know," Chanyeol says.
Kyungsoo looks up at him with owlish eyes. His head tilts, and he smiles, clearly amused. "Don't worry about it, okay?" He reaches up a hand to etc etc etc
- also i find that your pieces that focus on one person only (e.g. your d.o centric darker fics, or your chanyeol letter fic), there is very little in the fic that gives me a sense of characterization. if you didn't use the names of the members i would have difficulty realizing who i was reading about. whereas with your stories involving more members, you add characterization, e.g. chanyeol's eagerness in the section above, or tao's look being more confident than his voice in this fic http://exomeme.dreamwidth.org/23332.html?thread=100451108#cmt100451108. this is not necessarily a BAD thing if it's what you're going for in your POV-centric pieces, but i thought i'd mention it anyway
- about your friends fic! same stuff i already mentioned: tighten up/streamline your sentences, be careful of your punctuation and tenses, don't try to cram everything in at once. you get across a lot of STUFF, if you know what i mean, so please take your time exploring that stuff! make it more meaty like your moody pieces haha
hope this helps a little anon! take everything with a grain of salt please, it's just me and my little ol' opinions :*** gj for you though~ keep on writing!